These days’ people are encouraged to get in relationships with no expectations. How is it possible to do away with expectations in a relationship? It’s assumed that you won’t hurt yourself in the long run and the argument rate is assumed to be low. Well, I differ with this encouragement and thinking around expectations in relationships. Allow me to explain why;
Your whole life is based on expectations
Let’s start with how anyone was raised. You were expected to behave in a certain way, interact with people in a certain way, and in school follow the rules and you are expected to perform. You are a result of expectations. Expectations are a way of life. Hitting someone accidentally, you are expected to so say sorry. It is an accident but an apology is expected. Undoing the way of life to avoid getting hurt is simply unrealistic. It’s like trying to do away with a part of who you are.
Relationship expectations start in the beginning
You meet someone and you like them. Not because you were both single but because they’ve shown certain traits that you admire. They are honest, not flakey and they seem reliable. They’ve already set the tone as much as you`ve set yours. You expect each other to uphold what they did show you from the beginning. Ever wondered why being yourself on the first date is such a big deal. People want to know what they are signing themselves to and what they should expect. Expectations are here to stay; one has to have expectations. No one can live without expectations.
Managing your expectations
Now that we`ve agreed that it’s impossible to have relationships without expectations, let’s talk about managing them. Getting in relationships comes with some set of unchangeable things. Its where unconditional love and acceptance come in place. There are things wired in people in such a way that they can’t change, depending on one’s upbringing. An example will be expecting someone to stop snoring. That’s them, they can’t change, you accept and live with.
You get what you expect in terms of realistic things. Research shows that people get what they expect. Having low expectations means settling just for that. Expectations are not about settling but setting realistic standards and getting that. Read more about the psychology behind expectations here
Expectations don’t heal trauma
This is a pattern in people who don’t like fixing themselves and hope that if they set certain standards and have certain expectations and they happen to get that, it will fix them. Expecting to be loved to heal the neglect you had as a kid won’t help. It won’t fix that. You wouldn’t even know what to do with all that love. You have to fix yourself in order to have realistic expectations. Deciding to date someone means you have to be informed about certain things like these.
It’s impossible to be in a relationship with someone you love and not have expectations. However, one has to manage their expectations and have real ones. In a relationship, you are allowed to have expectations.